Raw

I've always been pretty honest on this blog for myself in the future (as I look back) and for the hundreds of hits this blog gets each day.  I don't ever want this space to make our life look anywhere near perfect.  It's also just good for me to be vulnerable.  So I am.  I'm sure it makes some people uncomfortable, but I've learned that being open and honest is a good thing.  I don't do it for sympathy or to be dramatic.  I just want to portray real life as we raise our family (the good, the bad, and the ugly). 

One of the main things I have been open about is our journey with Samuel.  He is such a joy to us and we truly are so so so grateful that he is ours.  But, oh the struggles.  They seem to be surmounting and escalating to a point where Jeff and I are most days at a loss as to what to do.  I am especially bad at taking action because I want so desperately to believe that our sweet boy is okay and that we will not have to struggle anymore.  But that just doesn't seem to be the case.  For so many reasons known (3 years in an eastern european orphanage, a major heart defect, malnutrition, poor attachment, etc) and for so many reasons unknown (biological factors with birth family)...Samuel's brain just does not function normally.  The main factor seems to be ADHD and with that comes a host of secondary issues that can make life miserable for him and for us.  Each day it seems his ability to focus and follow directions gets worse.   Anxiety levels have increased and are at a point where it is beginning to affect how he is at school.  Compulsive lying is at an all time high.  Some depression is even rearing it's ugly head.  It's hard not to let my mind wander to the what if's of his future and wonder how our family will function and survive if he has severe psychological issues.  It's hard not to get angry at Samuel when so much of what he does he cannot even explain or control.  It's easy to get down and feel guilty.  It's easy to feel stuck and not know what to do.  Adoption is a beautiful thing and it is something that the Bible is clear about asking Christ followers to do.  Yet, it can sometimes be very difficult.  The last 6 years with Samuel have been a journey of such joy and at the same time there has been so much grief.  God has taught us so much about Himself and his gospel through adoption and we are so thankful for that window into His heart and into our own hearts as we raise such a special child. 

We are pursuing counseling, psychological testing and maybe even medication in the near future for Samuel.   It breaks my heart to realize that his issues are not going to just go away and are in fact getting worse.  It breaks my heart to realize that he may struggle with academic, behavior and psychological issues for the rest of his life.   Yet, what gives me hope is believing the gospel over and over again.  I can't forget it.  I need Jesus.  Samuel needs Jesus.  He is the One who gives us the strength and the perseverance to love and parent Samuel when all I want to do is pitch a fit and scream right back at him to just be normal (when he honestly can't). 

David Platt, one of our favorite pastors and authors, is on his second adoption journey right now to China.  He wrote a blog post the other day that the Lord really used.  Click HERE to read it and be blessed. And if you think about it, pray for us and pray for our Samuel.