Dear Sweet Woman Trying to Get Pregnant

There are a lot of these open letter type posts floating around.  I have enjoyed the ones that pertain to me and they just seem to speak to my heart.  Even though it has been years since my own struggle through infertility, it is something I won't forget.  The emotions and the pain will always be a significant part of my story.  So I wrote my own open letter.  I'm sure there are others like it floating around but here is my attempt to encourage those waiting, hoping, and struggling through the pain...

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Dear sweet woman trying to get pregnant,

I know you.  I see you in the checkout line at Target. I see you waiting in the same room as other women great with child.  I see your eyes trying not to look but not being able to help it.  I see the pain and the longing.  I recognize it right away.  I know the pain.  And the longing.  I know how hard it is to see bellies and babies and pregnancy announcements on Facebook and Instagram.  You are bombarded with images you wish you could ignore.  

I know you are tired. I know you are dreaming.  And still hoping.  I know it's an endless exhausting cycle.  I see your grief. I see how you try to act happy at the latest friend announcing her pregnancy (her first, second, and in some cases by now your friends are on their 3rd).  I know how your heart drops when your deepest longing is to be able to share the same.

I know you are now skipping baby showers.  You feel guilty, but you know it's best for your heart.  I see you avoiding phone calls and girls nights because you don't have anything to add since everyone else will be talking about pregnancy woes, newborns, or toddler antics.  I know how much you long to be able to discuss those things.

I see your browsing history online includes message boards about infertility, the best fertility clinics with the best success rates, and infertility blogs.  These people get you.  I know that.  I've hung out there too. Sometimes you just need people in your life who understand.

I know you're tired of the questions.  I see your face when another person asks, "so when are you two going to start a family?".  I know the frustration that brings.  I know you want to scream and shout. I know you wish you could be one of those couples who could just plan your family easily.  I see each holiday passing you by without being able to make a fun surprise announcement to your family and friends.  I see, instead, you begin to have the hard conversations with them.  Not wanting to see the pain on their faces. Not wanting the awkwardness to follow with your friends.

I hear you make that first call to the clinic. I see you nervously going to your first appointment.  There is fear.  Anxiety.  Always hope. I see you get poked and prodded and doing things you would have never thought you would have to do.  I see you wondering and asking why this is your lot.  When there are babies being aborted.  Babies being abandoned. I see your eyes get big when the first bill arrives.  I know you and your husband are selling things and figuring out where the money will come from.  I know you would do anything to make it happen.

I know how tired you are from negative pregnancy tests.  How you will them to have a second line or quickly flash the words you so long to see.  I see you laying prostrate on the cold tile in your bathroom grieving once again.  It seems hopeless. It seems dark and lonely.  It seems no one understands that infertility is some of life's most exhausting grief.  I see you every month second guessing what your body is doing.  Hoping against hope this will be the month.  I see your dreams crushed again and the sobs rocking your body. Your husband sits helplessly stroking your hair.  He would do anything to make the pain go away.  I see you hating his own private grief.  I know he hates the clinic visits too.  I know the fun of making a baby is long past. 

But I see your resolve too.  Your determination.  Your hope. 

I want you to know that even though I now have 4 children of my own, I see you.  I really do.  My hearts knows your heart and I recognize your weary eyes.  I will never forget.  I know you.  I also know a God in heaven who writes the best stories.  They don't always come about in ways we want or expect.  His stories are kingdom stories who point to a Rescuer who knows you better than I, or any other woman who has struggled with infertility, ever will.  He came to rescue us from our sin and from the darkness of this world.  He fights for you and me. He feels our pain and has suffered on our behalf.  He has given us a better hope. Even in the deep pain and grief, He is there.  He knows you best. I hope you will trust Him. I hope you will give all your dreams and hopes to Him and watch as His story for your life unfolds.

Infertility and Loss

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
from Psalm 13

Dan Allender, an author and psychologist, wrote in Cry of the Soul, “Part of the mystery of God is His disruptive intrusion to provide us with what we desperately desire, not what we THINK we require...He draws us to darkness and in the midst of what appears awful, He shows us something of His awe-filled bright goodness.” The Lord alone determines our steps, and His plan sometimes is one that we do not understand. For Jeff and I it has been a path of infertility and pregnancy loss. It has been a hard emotional roller coaster where I have often cried out like the psalmist David, “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” I have never felt sorrow or anquish like I felt month after month trying to get pregnant and now after a miscarriage. However, God has shown me more of His goodness and some of His mysteriousness. He has truly worked wonders in my heart through my infertility and my loss. He has led me to a place of joy and a time where I can sing to him with praise even in the midst of incredible pain. I have learned that sometimes God allows us to suffer, but it is in our suffering that He reveals His goodness. I have learned that it’s okay to cry out to God with real emotion, and to even question what in the world He is doing in my life. We all want easy and pain free lives, but if we had that, we would never need God. Suffering is a mystery and we see that in the Cross. It is the perfect picture of suffering and glory. God is so good and He has dealt bountifully with me through His Son. Through my pain, the Gospel has come alive to me and I realize that even when times are hard, that I can sing and rejoice because I know I have a greater hope of eternity. In His faithfulness, the Lord has blessed us with 2 wonderful children. Samuel came to us through the miracle of adoption and Ellie Kate came to us through the miracle of In Vitro Fertilization. They are more precious to me than gold, but it doesn't erase the pain or the loss I still feel. I still identify myself as someone who is infertile. Having a family has not come easy to us, and it may not ever come easily. Sometimes I still have a hard time hearing of how easily it is for people to get pregnant. I have a hard time hearing comments from people who don't understand infertility or pregnancy loss. The internet is such a great resource and I joined a message board where I have formed a wonderful group of online friends who now know me and who truly understand infertility and loss. Some people find help in local support groups or through their Church. It is so important to have a community of people to be open with and share your struggles with.

If you are struggling with infertility or loss, I can guarantee you are NOT alone. Here are the facts:

-More than 5 million people of child bearing age in the U.S. experience infertility. In about 35% of the cases it is related to a female problem, and another 35% is related to a male factor. In 20% it is a combined male and female problem and in about 10% of the cases it is unexplained.

-1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage...that's a 15-20% in each pregnancy. Miscarriage is usually the result of chromosomal abnormalities not as a result of something the mom did such as lifting something too heavy or drinking a cup of coffee.

Here is a universal list that infertile couples agree on as a list of dos and don'ts that will help you support them during their difficult time (taken from RESOLVE)...

Don't try to minimize the problem by saying, "Just try to relax and don't worry." Stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes the stress and many couples who cannot get pregnant have very valid reasons that they cannot conceive.

Do listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel.

Don't give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do tell the couple that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you are thinking about and praying for them.

Don't offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption...sometimes this is helpful, but more than likely they have heard something like it many times.

Do tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. You can even give them websites like this if they want to check it out.

Don't tell a couple who is in the process of adopting, "I bet you will get pregnant now!" Do tell them how excited you are for them that they are going to be parents through adoption!

Resources:

www.babycenter.com - a great website with lots of online bulletin boards related to anything and everything

www.resolve.org - RESOLVE is the National Infertility Association and has lots of great resources and info on local chapters with support groups

http://www.bethany.org/step/ - A ministry of Bethany Christian Services providing Christian support for couples facing infertility and/or pregnancy loss

-Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab

-The Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman

-When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D

-Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt.