Remembering...

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

It has been a little over 2 years since my pregnancy loss and I joined the club that no woman ever wants to be a part of. In many ways, a distant memory...and yet, the emotions are sometimes still so fresh and real. I will never forget.

I will never forget the surprise of seeing 2 lines on a test in August 2007.

I will never forget the immense joy of a completely natural pregnancy even it meant I would have babies 13 months apart.

I will never forget the sound of that rapid heartbeat and the bright flash on the screen at 6 weeks.

I will never forget the way my heart dropped at the sight of blood at 9 weeks.

I will never forget the sight of a still dead baby on the ultrasound screen.

I will never forget the face of my doctor telling me it was over.

I will never forget the complete emptiness after waking up from a D & C

I will never forget the pain and grief that followed for many months.

I will never forget the community of believers coming alongside me.

I will never forget the nearness of my God as He carried me through.

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness." Psalm 25:10

Today, I am grieving and praying with all of those who have experienced loss that we would be able to truly trust in the promise above whether it's in the small skinned knee type of suffering or the big loss of a baby suffering. I have several friends who have recently experienced a miscarriage so I have been burdened recently for them as their grief is so new. I am so grateful for a faith in the only One who can provide comfort, peace, and hope when things are hard. I can't imagine suffering without Jesus.

You can go HERE, HERE, and HERE to read more thoughts about my miscarriage.

The Difference a Year Makes

This day last year was horrible. The dreaded day...the hurdle I had to get over.

4.14.08.

It was the day I was supposed to have welcomed our 3rd little miracle.

What a difference a year makes. It crept up on me this year. While I will never forget the date 4.14., it does not bring the amount of intense grief it did last year.

If that baby had lived, I would have a one year old....but I would not have Abigail. I still think about what life would be like with babies 13 months apart. I still think about that little baby I lost.

Words can't really express how thankful I am to have sweet Abigail. She is such a sweet reminder of God's redeeming love and the joy he can bring out of mourning. I am also thankful for the baby I lost....while the pain was not comfortable or the grief fun to work through, it really did bring me closer to Christ and for that it was worth it. I won't understand it this side of heaven, but oh how I long for the day I will meet my unborn baby face to face in eternity.

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know

A Sad Anniversary

It is a day I would love to forget, but the day will be forever etched in my mind as one of the worst in my life. A year ago today, we found out we had lost our 3^rd little miracle at nearly 10 weeks pregnant. I had been spotting for a few days and my doctor finally said to come in for an ultrasound at 4 pm on Friday, September 14. I waited all day on pins and needles. I will never forget the emotions I felt throughout the day hoping against hope and yet having a sense of the impending doom. It was awful…the anticipation. I had no words to pray except…”Please, God, Please…let everything be okay.” Jeff came home and we took the kids with us to the doctor. My sweet doctor then (who was a dear friend) told me to come on back by myself. He turned the ultrasound machine on as I laid down on the table. As soon as the probe found my uterus, I knew. There was no flutter of a heartbeat like we had seen just a few weeks before. He looked around for a few minutes, then looked at me and couldn’t even speak. Josh shook his head and I burst into tears. I will never in my life forget the look on his face, or the stillness of my dead baby on the screen. He went and got Jeff and the nurses watched Samuel and Ellie Kate for us while we grieved and then talked about what to do next. I had the D&C the very next morning because my amazing doctor came in on Saturday so I didn’t have to wait any longer. He prayed with us and then took me back for the procedure. It was a very empty day.

Now, a year later, I do still grieve for that baby…even as my belly is now swollen with another miracle. While this baby does not replace that one, I am certainly thankful and amazed that the Lord has given me another opportunity I feel I do not deserve.

I made this memory box shortly after the miscarriage to hold my ultrasound pictures, positive pregnancy tests (yes, I save them…after so many years of negative ones, they are sentimental), and all the sweet notes and emails we received. I read through everything today and am encouraged anew at the community of believers who surrounded us. We could not have made it through that time without the prayers of so many. The months following the miscarriage were not easy as I grieved and my hormones took awhile to normalize. Again, I am so thankful for faithful friends and family who prayed for me and loved on me. I would love to say that I am so much stronger in my faith and have learned to trust the Lord better through all this. However, the last year has been murky waters, at best. The journey of grief is unpredictable and my wandering heart sometimes still has a hard time yielding my wants and desires at the foot of the cross. I still want an easy life…one without pain. I do believe part of that is my redeemed heart longing for the perfectness of heaven. I am so thankful for my Savior, and that one day I will see my baby again. I am thankful for a God who does not give up on His children and who sends new mercy and grace for each day. I am desperate for that today and everyday!

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

My Angel

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16

I can't believe it has been 9 months since I saw those 2 pink lines on a warm August night. It seems weird that the day is finally here...the day I would have had my 3rd child. The day I have pretty much been dreading since September 15, 2007. I had just a few short weeks of dreaming and planning and wondering what this surprise miracle would be like. It was such a short time and yet it was the exact time that the Lord had purposed. I still don't understand or like it, but I love my God and I trust in Him completely. He is holding my baby even now, as I so wish I could be doing today. He has also held me the last 7 months and carried me through the pain. I love the song playing right now on my playlist. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I think it pretty much sums my feelings up. I will miss this baby every day and I long for the day I get to hold him or her in heaven. I especially like this verse...

Sweet little baby(s), it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

God has done so much through this loss. He has opened my eyes to others who have lost someone they loved. He has given me so many others to reach out too and talk about miscarriage with. I have enjoyed praying for my sweet friends who have also had to go through losing a child. I am burdened for them each day. The Lord has been so good to me and I am so thankful for His tender mercies that are new each morning. I did not expect to be pregnant again by this day. I am so grateful as it does ease the pain a bit. I still want my April baby, but I have new hope that I will be holding a new baby in November. I am scared out of my mind, but trusting in His Sovereignty. Today, I am missing my baby but I am thanking God for the 9 1/2 weeks He gave me. I am thanking Him for the pain and the suffering that helps me understand the Cross a little bit more. I am thanking Him for sweet friends and family who have not forgotten this day and who are praying even now.

The Wall

There is a wall looming on the horizon. April 14. It is the day that I dread over no other. By this day, I would have had a 3rd child. It was my due date...the day that every woman memorizes as soon as the doctor utters them. It inches ever closer, and on that day I will not be holding a precious newborn. I most likely will not be pregnant again either. I will still be mourning and wishing and questioning and making myself crazy with thinking about it. I will still be wresting with God as He does surgery on my heart. I know I am not being very receptive to His treatment. I am resisting Him. I am coming into another season of intense emotional pain. By the Lord's grace, I have done good for the past few months. But now as I would have been 34 weeks pregnant and close to delivery...I am stricken with grief again. I want to weep all the time. I want to wallow in my pain. But I can't and I hope I won't. I know that the Lord desires that I come to Him and trust Him and bring my pain to the foot of the Cross. He understands even more than I do the grief and pain and emptiness that comes with losing a child. I have nowhere else to turn. He alone can give me Hope and purpose. In Him alone will I find true joy and fulfillment as I come upon this day. I hope by writing it that I will live it. I cling to the promise that He will turn my mourning into dancing...it may not be anytime soon...but one day I will be full of life and joy again. I will be a different person no doubt. One cannot go through loss and not come out changed. I will forever miss the baby that never was. I will always wonder what it would have been like to have 2 kids 13 months apart. I will always wonder if the baby was a boy or a girl. I will always mark the day we lost our angel and the day he or she was to have been born. I will always wonder why God allowed us to get pregnant in the first place. I will always be thankful for my husband who has been my rock. He has held me together. He has grounded me to the truth of the gospel even when I didn't want to hear it. He has loved me through all the ugliness of sin and grief and awful housekeeping. I will also always be thankful for my faith in a Sovereign God, as weak as it may be. I am thankful that the He is faithful to His promises and He will never let me go. I am thankful that He works all things for my good and His glory. I know that my Redeemer lives and he will redeem my pain in eternity. I long for that day!

"Weeping my remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning...Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help." Psalm 30:5,10

Mustard Seed Sized Faith

Its 12 am and I'm up because I can't sleep. I'm afraid to got to bed and be truly alone with my thoughts and tears. I'm heartbroken for my sweet college friend who just lost her baby yesterday at 14 weeks. I'm heartbroken for another friend from our small group at church who lost her baby at 9 weeks over the weekend. I'm heartbroken for a friend who is struggling through infertility. I'm heartbroken for a friend and co-laborer here at UGA who is currently on strict bedrest 9 hours away from home until her baby (who possibly has cystic fibrosis) is born in about 8 weeks. I'm wresting with the Lord and His goodness. I hold on to the mustard seed that is way down deep somewhere in my soul...the seed that tells me that God is indeed good and He is a Loving Father in my own recent loss. He is also the Loving Father of the above mentioned friends. He is the Father who experienced His own loss as He sent His son to suffer on the Cross for our behalf. The seed of faith tells me that He is weaving a tapestry of all these things for an eternal glory that I won't probably understand this side of heaven. But I still wrestle. I still ache. I want the glory and beauty and perfectness of Heaven now. I ache for my Savior....I want to be in His presence and yet He feels so far away. And so I'm limping along to bed and praying tomorrow brings some peace for myself and my sweet friends, and that in the midst of this holiday season we will be reminded to keep our eyes on the One who came so many years ago so that in this imperfect world there would be true hope.

"I am the Light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Infertility and Loss

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
from Psalm 13

Dan Allender, an author and psychologist, wrote in Cry of the Soul, “Part of the mystery of God is His disruptive intrusion to provide us with what we desperately desire, not what we THINK we require...He draws us to darkness and in the midst of what appears awful, He shows us something of His awe-filled bright goodness.” The Lord alone determines our steps, and His plan sometimes is one that we do not understand. For Jeff and I it has been a path of infertility and pregnancy loss. It has been a hard emotional roller coaster where I have often cried out like the psalmist David, “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” I have never felt sorrow or anquish like I felt month after month trying to get pregnant and now after a miscarriage. However, God has shown me more of His goodness and some of His mysteriousness. He has truly worked wonders in my heart through my infertility and my loss. He has led me to a place of joy and a time where I can sing to him with praise even in the midst of incredible pain. I have learned that sometimes God allows us to suffer, but it is in our suffering that He reveals His goodness. I have learned that it’s okay to cry out to God with real emotion, and to even question what in the world He is doing in my life. We all want easy and pain free lives, but if we had that, we would never need God. Suffering is a mystery and we see that in the Cross. It is the perfect picture of suffering and glory. God is so good and He has dealt bountifully with me through His Son. Through my pain, the Gospel has come alive to me and I realize that even when times are hard, that I can sing and rejoice because I know I have a greater hope of eternity. In His faithfulness, the Lord has blessed us with 2 wonderful children. Samuel came to us through the miracle of adoption and Ellie Kate came to us through the miracle of In Vitro Fertilization. They are more precious to me than gold, but it doesn't erase the pain or the loss I still feel. I still identify myself as someone who is infertile. Having a family has not come easy to us, and it may not ever come easily. Sometimes I still have a hard time hearing of how easily it is for people to get pregnant. I have a hard time hearing comments from people who don't understand infertility or pregnancy loss. The internet is such a great resource and I joined a message board where I have formed a wonderful group of online friends who now know me and who truly understand infertility and loss. Some people find help in local support groups or through their Church. It is so important to have a community of people to be open with and share your struggles with.

If you are struggling with infertility or loss, I can guarantee you are NOT alone. Here are the facts:

-More than 5 million people of child bearing age in the U.S. experience infertility. In about 35% of the cases it is related to a female problem, and another 35% is related to a male factor. In 20% it is a combined male and female problem and in about 10% of the cases it is unexplained.

-1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage...that's a 15-20% in each pregnancy. Miscarriage is usually the result of chromosomal abnormalities not as a result of something the mom did such as lifting something too heavy or drinking a cup of coffee.

Here is a universal list that infertile couples agree on as a list of dos and don'ts that will help you support them during their difficult time (taken from RESOLVE)...

Don't try to minimize the problem by saying, "Just try to relax and don't worry." Stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes the stress and many couples who cannot get pregnant have very valid reasons that they cannot conceive.

Do listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel.

Don't give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do tell the couple that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you are thinking about and praying for them.

Don't offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption...sometimes this is helpful, but more than likely they have heard something like it many times.

Do tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. You can even give them websites like this if they want to check it out.

Don't tell a couple who is in the process of adopting, "I bet you will get pregnant now!" Do tell them how excited you are for them that they are going to be parents through adoption!

Resources:

www.babycenter.com - a great website with lots of online bulletin boards related to anything and everything

www.resolve.org - RESOLVE is the National Infertility Association and has lots of great resources and info on local chapters with support groups

http://www.bethany.org/step/ - A ministry of Bethany Christian Services providing Christian support for couples facing infertility and/or pregnancy loss

-Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab

-The Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman

-When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D

-Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt.

Rainy Days

I'll be honest, today has been a hard day. I think I'm doing good and then the pain comes anew and I am stricken with emotion as I think about what I have lost and what could have been. Maybe it is because this morning I had some time and I knew I should open my Bible to come into the Lord's presence. I opened my journal and the last 2 entries were praising the Lord for our miracle...getting pregnant naturally when we weren't even trying. The tears came...the negative thoughts hit..."why would the Lord choose to give us such incredible joy and then 5 short weeks later take it all away?" I don't pretend to understand it. I don't pretend to like it. But as I read the verses I had praised the Lord with, I knew that I still needed to praise Him. The pain I feel, the storms I must go through in this life DO NOT CHANGE who God is. He is HOLY and He is GOOD. That is the only hope I have. I don't have any choice but to praise Him and trust Him because without Him there is no purpose in my pain. Larry Crabb says in his book Shattered Dreams, "It's harder to discover our desire for God when things go well. We may think we have, but often all we've found is our desire to use God, not to ENJOY Him. Shattered dreams are the truest blessings; they help us discover our true hope. But it can take a long, dark time to discover it." I hope that as I continue to work through my pain and walk through this darkness that I truly draw near to Christ and depend on Him. Music has always ministered to me and in the last few weeks I have hard a song so many times on the radio and it is so beautiful. I actually heard it before the miscarriage and had a hard time singing it, because I was happy and I didn't want anymore rainy days to come. The storm did come and I realize that God is using these days to bring me closer to Him and teaching me that I can still praise Him.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me "Jesus, Bring the Rain"

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness" Psalm 25:10

Miscarriage Post From Old Website

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

O Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe, That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way, I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray, That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain, And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head, I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead, And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

This week we learned that I suffered a miscarriage (I was about 9 weeks along). We had gotten a VERY BIG surprise about a month ago when I got a positive home pregnancy test. Although it was very unplanned (happened naturally), we were so excited about another miracle in our lives! We found out the baby stopped growing about a week ago and I had a D & C today (a procedure to clean out the uterus.

We are trusting that the Lord is good and resting in his promises. I am so thankful for my sweet doctor who believes the gospel. He cried with me, prayed for us, and reminded me of God's grace. We decided to do the D&C so we can get it over with and move on emotionally and physically. Please pray for us as we mourn and fight to believe what we know is Truth. You can also pray that I would heal and recover physically. The hymn above has become one of my favorites over the years and I keep meditating on it as I grieve. I know that the Lord loves me and that nothing in my life happens without a purpose. If I learned anything from the suffering in my years of infertility, that was it. This is just another painful step in that journey. Yes, the pain and grief are there, but there is also Hope. I will miss this baby for the rest of my life, but now my heart beats stronger for the beauty and perfectness of Heaven. I could not do this without Jesus.