All The Tears

13 years of ministry with Cru seemingly passed by in a blink.  Hattiesburg. Athens. Tuscaloosa.  All places God took us and worked in amazing ways.

7 years in Tuscaloosa at the University of Alabama were the golden years of our ministry and our family up until now.

It was tough to leave.

On May 15, when I drove out of Ttown, I cried all the tears.  Seriously after I was done, I don't think I could have cried anymore if I wanted to.  It felt like a death in many ways.

Saying goodbye to a ministry we loved was beyond difficult.  We have truly been privileged to be a part of the Lord extending His kingdom through us at Alabama.  It was amazing to read through the scrapbooks and letters (mostly to Jeff) and see the impact Christ had on so many amazing students through their involvement in BamaCru.

We had to say goodbye to a town that had our hearts.  It was where we met and fell in love.  Where we loved to cheer on the Crimson Tide every Saturday in the fall.  It was the only home our children really remembered (besides Samuel who remembered a little of Athens, GA).  It was a small town but mostly had everything we needed within a 15 mile radius.  And honestly, everything I needed on a daily basis was within 5 minutes.  In many ways, it was a charmed life.  The school bus picked up and dropped my kids off at my front door for crying out loud.

I had friends who knew me deeply. One of my very best friends lived in the same neighborhood as me!  Her girls were BFFs with my girls.  Samuel's BFF lived 4 doors down from us.

Again, it was tough to leave all that.

And yet, God's call was clear.  Despite our love for college ministry and our love for our sweet little college town, we knew there was tension in our hearts.  Something was stirring and we knew He would be calling us away.  My heart longed to resist as at it's core, my heart longs to set roots down deep.  My heart longs for comfort and ease.  But that's not always what Jesus wants.  So we began to pray.  This was the summer of 2013.

Jeff has always had a deep respect and love for Perimeter Church in Johns Creek, Georgia.  It is the church I grew up in so of course I love it too:).  That summer Jeff met with some of the pastors there just seeing if there was any potential for a job in the future.  They were gracious to really listen to give us some hope that there could definitely be some options at Perimeter for Jeff in the future.  We sensed it wasn't exactly time yet.  Fast forward to summer 2014 and Jeff was invited to preach on Sunday morning during a summer series that July.  What an honor that was and it was no surprise that he rocked it.  I can't imagine preaching to thousands of people, but God has given Jeff a gift of speaking and teaching the scriptures, and relating to people so well.  It was during our time in Atlanta after that, that Jeff was offered a chance to come and work at Perimeter the following summer! We knew it was time to say yes.

So the last 11 months have been spent relishing our life in Tuscaloosa.  I felt a bit like Mary after she gave birth to Jesus...when scripture says "she pondered all these things in her heart."  In many ways, it was like a slow march unto death.  The death of everything we've known for 13 years in ministry and 7 years in Tuscaloosa.  I pondered everything in my heart.  We began making plans. We sold our house in less than a month.  We began packing.  We ended our final year of ministry.  We had a final weekly meeting at BamaCru.  We had a final Sunday at Church.  We had final days at gymnastics and school.  I had final lunches, coffees, walks, and playdates. I cherished many "lasts" and prayed that the Lord would meet us as everything pointed to one date.  May 15, 2015.

I think that day will forever be etched in my mind.  It was like D-day for me.  Jeff had already left to go down to Florida to staff our last summer project with Cru.   We had already moved all our stuff out of our home and into storage.  A sweet family had let us stay in their game day apartment off campus which was just what we needed.  So I was left alone to pack up and say all the goodbyes.  And cry all the tears alone.  It started before I even left to go see my friends and tell them goodbye.  It started almost as soon as I woke up.  I wanted to keep it all in as I had done so well up until now.  But you can't hold grief in forever.  So as we drove from 15th street up to Rice Mine Rd, I managed to hold some back.  But as soon as I pulled up to my sweet friends, it was hard to act normal.  I only had about 30 minutes.  Not nearly enough time to wrap up life with these soul sisters.  But wrap up we did.  I tried to hold it together (not very well though) as I had to go pick up my girls from school.  I was checking them out early so we could get down to Florida before dark.  They were having to miss the last week of school so we could be on the last week of summer project with Jeff.  But we couldn't be excited about that just yet.

After getting the girls and after more crying in the school, we finally took off.  We passed by the water tower with Tuscaloosa marked black on bright blue.  That's when I truly lost it.  It was really here.  We were really leaving.  Again, all the tears flowed well past Birmingham (for folks who don't know it's an hour from Tuscaloosa to Bham).  My kids were a little worried about me and a few of them joined in my grief.  It was a sweet time just sharing with them that this was hard...but that we were trusting Jesus.  And a reminder that following Jesus isn't always easy or comfortable.  But He's good and He meets us in the hard days.  He met us in the following days at the beach where we just got to enjoy His creation and be together with college students and staff we love!  It was the perfect ending to our staff career.

And so, here we are.  It's been about 6 weeks I think.  We've settled into our new home (that we LOVE) and Jeff is settling into his new ministry at Perimeter.  So much is still unknown.  Will the Lord continue to use us?  Will life be really difficult here?  Will I ever have close friends? It will definitely be different.  There's a lot more traffic here:).  And a lot more people:).  And it takes a lot longer than 5 minutes to get anywhere. And there most definitely won't be a bus coming to my front door.  But God is here (and my family too which is awesome).  He is faithful and He is good.  It doesn't mean things will be easy or comfortable, but we already see His hand so clearly answering prayers and guiding us.  And for that, I cry all the tears again.  I may still be grieving.  But I think it's also hope...and a grateful heart to the great One who loves my soul and shepherds me and my children through every move, and every adjustment, and every change.

"Don’t grieve that it’s gone, wonder that it was.

Laugh that you lived and dance that you dared.

Inhale that it happened — and it was grace."

Ann Voskamp

Love Wins

I don't pretend to be perfect.  I'm flawed and self righteous and broken...just like the rest of us.  This is why I bank my life on Christ.  He is perfect in my place.  His love conquers all.  He is the rescuer of all sad things.  He is a redeemer.  A healer.  A mediator.  He is the One who sits at the right hand of His Father, yet was here among us and lived as a human.  He lived in a time of deep unrest and a culture that was maybe not so different than what we face today.  He didn't distance himself from any of the controversy, but lived His life on mission with one ultimate goal...to point people to Himself and their need for forgiveness.

I've felt some pretty deep tension the past few weeks as I've watched news story after news story break.  Josh Duggar sexual abuse.  Police brutality.  Racism.  Charleston shootings.  Confederate Flag controversy.  Shaming the southern states. Same Sex Marriage ruling.  Every one of these stories tugs at different places in my heart. I've had to face some of my own fears and insecurities and privilege.  My heart is torn between wanting to defend and protect, and weep and confess.  On top of that, there are personal stories of friends hurting.  Turmoil is all around us.  Today seemed to be the icing on the cake of chaos on Facebook and Twitter.  The supreme court came down with it's verdict on same sex marriage and made it legal throughout the land, no matter what individual states have voted on. No matter that since the creation of this world, we have had one definition of marriage.  However, I loved seeing my FB feed today.  I have a diverse realm of friends and a lot of them celebrated today.  And then I had a lot of friends mad and angry and sad.  I admit, when I first read the ruling, I got emotional.  As a mom,  I wondered what world am I bringing my kids up in?  Mass shootings.  Sexual abuse.  Racism abounds.  Bible believing followers of Christ labeled bigots. Marriage redefined.  I could see myself getting wound up in the tailspin of emotion.  I quickly turned to the Word.  It is the only truth that stands to fill my mind with praiseworthy and wonderful things.  I didn't want to dwell on things that make my heart anxious.  So I typed in "throne" on my Bible app and read all the verses that reminded me of God's sovereignty.  Of the truth that He alone is ruler and He sits on His throne no matter what.  It comforted my soul and calmed my anxious heart.  So I shared it on Facebook.

But LORD, you remain the same forever!

Your throne continues from generation to generation. 

Lamentations 5:19

Not too much later, as I scrolled through FB again, I noticed the status update of a student who was on a summer project with us a few years ago.  He condemned his conservative Christian friends for "passively aggressively" posting Bible verses in response to today's ruling.  It stopped me in my tracks. I immediately felt defensive.  But then I quieted my heart again and asked myself was I being passive aggressive in posting that?  I've been pondering on it for the past few hours.  I don't want to be passive aggressive and I honestly don't think that was my intention.  I posted something that was good truth to me. Something that quieted my heart in a moment of turmoil after hearing news that I disagreed with and felt will surely change the landscape of our country.  But if it seems passive aggressive to some to just post a verse rather than my stance, then I will say it here.  Because of my faith in Christ and my belief that the Word of God is true, I definitely don't agree with same sex marriage.  I'm not ashamed of that or my belief in Jesus.  It also doesn't mean I don't love or don't want to be friends with people who think differently than me!  In fact, I love having friends who think and believe differently than me.  It challenges me! My strong belief also doesn't mean I can't love people who are homosexual.  I don't speak about political things much because I just don't think it's worth it.  I don't think my status on social media about what I believe is going to change anyone's mind.  But maybe posting a verse will be a reminder for others to trust in the Lord! That was my intention.  But I confess that I sometimes could be passive aggressive without even realizing it.  I am flawed.   I do mess up!  I also confess I don't know how to love others perfectly.  I confess I can sometimes be self-righteous.  I confess that I don't always know how to engage with people I don't agree with or are different than me.  I confess I don't really have any homosexual friends or African American friends.  But I am learning.  I am excited about the diverse neighborhood the Lord has placed us in outside of Atlanta. I am broken over the ways I may have not loved well.  Ways I do not reach out to the marginalized and oppressed.  Ways I tend to stick to being around people like me.  Ways I have misrepresented the Jesus I love.  I have given my life to serve Him and share Him with others. But I fail at that miserably every day! 

I do pray for my own heart in all of this.  I pray for this country I love.  For my children.  For my friends and neighbors.  I pray that love truly does win.  That we would ALL love one another.  Even when we don't agree or understand the other's position.  I agree with the hashtag that has been so popular today. #lovewins.  I just may agree with it in a different light:).  LOVE does win because the greatest expression of love the world has ever seen was when Jesus walked this earth and then gave His life up on a cross to bridge the gap between ourselves and a Holy God.  Love wins because He defeated the grave. None of these crazy news stories changes that.  None of the chaos of this world changes my mission as a follower of Him.  My biggest prayer is that my life is an expression of His life and LOVE...the way He was on mission in the midst of the mess and calling people to His truth.  He gave His life up sacrificially in love.  It wasn't comfortable or easy. May I be ever so privileged to do the same. 

"Live a life filled with love, 

following the example of Christ.  

He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, 

a pleasing aroma to God."  Ephesians 5:2

Broken Silence

I never set out to totally neglect my blog nearly a year.

But it happened.

It's been a LONG time since my last post.  A lot of life has happened round here in our family.

I'm hoping to resurrect this space because, well, I just realized I don't necessarily want to give it up just yet.  We'll see how it goes.

I'll catch you up quickly ( and maybe do some longer posts about each subject soon)...

The kids finished up kindergarten, 3rd, and 5th grade.  I finished the year homeschooling Samuel and it was hard...to put it mildly.  Much respect to my homeschooling friends in it for the long haul with all their children.  I am thankful to have tried it and to now know that in this season Samuel needs to be in school no matter how hard it is!  He just responds better to other people.

We moved.  To Atlanta.  Finished up our ministry with Cru after 13 years.  It was so bittersweet for us to leave a town and place we loved so much.  If you follow me on Instagram and Facebook, you know!  The day we pulled out was very difficult.

Jeff is now a pastor at the church I grew up in outside of Atlanta, GA.  He's one of many and I know he will do a great job!  We trust God for our future!

We sold our 4th home and bought our 5th.  More on that in later blog posts possibly.  I love doing house tours:).

Now that I am no longer employed by Cru, I get to explore some outside business ventures!  One that I've always wanted to do is photography and graphic design and I'm still hoping and praying to delve into that at some point.  For now, I've decided to go into business with an amazing skin care company called Rodan + Fields.  I don't see myself as a salesperson, but I love to share with others things that I love or things that have really helped me in some way.  I'll share more about this in another post...but I'm really excited to offer to others some amazing products.  Using these products has helped me so much and I am finally comfortable in my own skin:).

Above all, we just continue to see God's faithfulness in our lives.  We don't deserve all that He does. The way He directs our paths.  The way He always provides.  The way He meets us in the hard days of moving, saying goodbye, parenting, adjusting to new things, etc. etc.

Back To School

We just had the fastest summer ever.  Seriously, it really was short.  

Today, the kiddos went back to school! 

I have a kindergartner, second grader, and 5th grader all at the same school! So fun.  And my little mess Anna Mitchell is going to our church preschool so I can hopefully be more involved in our Cru ministry.  Everyone was super excited!  Just can't believe it's already here! 

Praying that they have a great day! 

Dear Sweet Woman Trying to Get Pregnant

There are a lot of these open letter type posts floating around.  I have enjoyed the ones that pertain to me and they just seem to speak to my heart.  Even though it has been years since my own struggle through infertility, it is something I won't forget.  The emotions and the pain will always be a significant part of my story.  So I wrote my own open letter.  I'm sure there are others like it floating around but here is my attempt to encourage those waiting, hoping, and struggling through the pain...

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Dear sweet woman trying to get pregnant,

I know you.  I see you in the checkout line at Target. I see you waiting in the same room as other women great with child.  I see your eyes trying not to look but not being able to help it.  I see the pain and the longing.  I recognize it right away.  I know the pain.  And the longing.  I know how hard it is to see bellies and babies and pregnancy announcements on Facebook and Instagram.  You are bombarded with images you wish you could ignore.  

I know you are tired. I know you are dreaming.  And still hoping.  I know it's an endless exhausting cycle.  I see your grief. I see how you try to act happy at the latest friend announcing her pregnancy (her first, second, and in some cases by now your friends are on their 3rd).  I know how your heart drops when your deepest longing is to be able to share the same.

I know you are now skipping baby showers.  You feel guilty, but you know it's best for your heart.  I see you avoiding phone calls and girls nights because you don't have anything to add since everyone else will be talking about pregnancy woes, newborns, or toddler antics.  I know how much you long to be able to discuss those things.

I see your browsing history online includes message boards about infertility, the best fertility clinics with the best success rates, and infertility blogs.  These people get you.  I know that.  I've hung out there too. Sometimes you just need people in your life who understand.

I know you're tired of the questions.  I see your face when another person asks, "so when are you two going to start a family?".  I know the frustration that brings.  I know you want to scream and shout. I know you wish you could be one of those couples who could just plan your family easily.  I see each holiday passing you by without being able to make a fun surprise announcement to your family and friends.  I see, instead, you begin to have the hard conversations with them.  Not wanting to see the pain on their faces. Not wanting the awkwardness to follow with your friends.

I hear you make that first call to the clinic. I see you nervously going to your first appointment.  There is fear.  Anxiety.  Always hope. I see you get poked and prodded and doing things you would have never thought you would have to do.  I see you wondering and asking why this is your lot.  When there are babies being aborted.  Babies being abandoned. I see your eyes get big when the first bill arrives.  I know you and your husband are selling things and figuring out where the money will come from.  I know you would do anything to make it happen.

I know how tired you are from negative pregnancy tests.  How you will them to have a second line or quickly flash the words you so long to see.  I see you laying prostrate on the cold tile in your bathroom grieving once again.  It seems hopeless. It seems dark and lonely.  It seems no one understands that infertility is some of life's most exhausting grief.  I see you every month second guessing what your body is doing.  Hoping against hope this will be the month.  I see your dreams crushed again and the sobs rocking your body. Your husband sits helplessly stroking your hair.  He would do anything to make the pain go away.  I see you hating his own private grief.  I know he hates the clinic visits too.  I know the fun of making a baby is long past. 

But I see your resolve too.  Your determination.  Your hope. 

I want you to know that even though I now have 4 children of my own, I see you.  I really do.  My hearts knows your heart and I recognize your weary eyes.  I will never forget.  I know you.  I also know a God in heaven who writes the best stories.  They don't always come about in ways we want or expect.  His stories are kingdom stories who point to a Rescuer who knows you better than I, or any other woman who has struggled with infertility, ever will.  He came to rescue us from our sin and from the darkness of this world.  He fights for you and me. He feels our pain and has suffered on our behalf.  He has given us a better hope. Even in the deep pain and grief, He is there.  He knows you best. I hope you will trust Him. I hope you will give all your dreams and hopes to Him and watch as His story for your life unfolds.

Some Parenting Thoughts

I am, by NO means, an expert in parenting.  I have 9 years under my belt and 4 kids so I would say I have a good bit of experience but no real expertise.  If I'm honest, some days I feel like I have absolutely no right to have 4 bodies/hearts/souls under my care.  I feel sorely inadequate day to day.  And some days I feel like an absolute failure.  And while I have been WAY more laid back with my 3rd and 4th children, it's still hard to know what to do and when to do things.  Each child is so different.  And there are SO many books and blog posts and articles to read on any and everything.  It's overwhelming.  So here's some random thoughts about:

SUMMER SCHEDULE...

So, we basically have one week of summer left here.  It flew by.  Seriously flew by.  I, for one, am excited about school starting back up.  I thought about homeschooling Samuel this year...like really thought about it.  I am really thankful that he is going to 5th grade to finish elementary school.  The Lord made it pretty clear that's what we needed to do and I'm glad.  I think I'm a much better mom to them (and him specifically) than school teacher.  And they do much better with me when they have some time away from me.  But that's just us for right now.  It may all change one day and I may homeschool.  I love the thought of homeschooling.  I love my friends who do it!  One reason I am glad I have not been called to it yet is I really don't think I would be good at it.  People think I'm really organized, but I am really actually not.

 I tried to do our summer schedule this summer because last summer that would have worked really well for us.  This summer it was a total fail.  We did it the first week.  Sigh. To be fair, we really haven't been home an entire week together since then.  And then there was potty training.

POTTY TRAINING...

I have done the 3 Day Potty Training boot camp with every single one of my children and none of them have succeeded in 3 days.  Go figure.  They have gotten it eventually usually by day 4 or 5 though.  I still HATE it. In fact, when I first saw the surprise two lines on a pregnancy test that meant I was pregnant with Annie, my first thought was I have to potty train again.  I'm not lying!  It really is my least favorite parenting task! So about 2 weeks ago I decided to go ahead and train her.  The dreaded time had come.  Summer seemed a good time to do it.  She was pretty familiar with the process.  She watches me go all the time.  She watches her sisters go all the time. She was showing several other signs.  Plus this way I could get her trained before the craziness of school starts. 

 I have a problem in believing that my children will follow the plans laid out for me in articles/blogs/books. It's a real problem, because for whatever reason not one of my children has been by the book.  Maybe it's an issue with me and I don't do things right...but none the less my children do not like to do things by the book. None of my babies ever really did the whole schedule thing.  Jeff told me to throw out the Babywise book when EK was about 5 weeks old because it was making me crazy that she wouldn't do what the book so easily laid out.  She had reflux and is strong willed and has been since the day she was born, but I digress. Abigail has been the only one who has been easy to sleep train, potty train, train in general.  She is my only compliant child.  I love her for that.  Thank you Lord for one.  So, back to Annie. She is a lot like EK...so I was prepared.  I was prepared for potty training to be hard. It was.  I still hated it. 

Day 3 I almost gave up, but I'm stubborn too (have no idea where my girls get it from:))...so we stuck with it and by day 5 she got it.  Well, she got the pee-pee on the potty anyway.  She has that down to a T.   What we don't have is the other.  Still.  My others got the whole part of potty training eventually like after about a week.  Not this 4thchild.  Oh no.  She waits to go in her pull up at nap time or at night. Or she just goes in her panties.  And she does not care one little bit.  And I have no idea what to do.  I've bribed. I've offered rewards.  I've acted disappointed. I've acted like it's no big deal. Oh, it is making me crazy! So hopefully one day this stubborn child will be fully potty trained and I will breathe a big sigh of relief to finally be done and never have to do it again!

CHORES...

Why can't I be consistent with this? I mean, we have really tried every thing. Nothing works well past a week or so.  Don't get me wrong, the kids are expected to make their beds, help clear the dinner table, help set the table, help clean up, unload dishwasher, help put their clean clothes away, etc.  So they do that well and most of the time without complaint.  Having a big family really means the kids have to contribute to the running of the household and my kids do a lot.  I would just love for them to have a few more responsibilities and a system in place for some rewards so I'm not always reminding them.  I know it requires discipline on mine and Jeff's part and I guess that's where the whole thing is breaking down.

MEALS...

Jeff and I did a challenge called WHOLE 30 in June and it was great!  For 30 days we ate only fruits, veggies (but no corn or beans), and lean organic meats.  We cut out all gluten, dairy, alcohol, sugar, and legumes.  

It was hard, but we learned so much and it was so worth it!  We both felt the best we have felt in a long time!  So we are trying to move to a paleo diet but it's hard.  Expensive and hard to adhere to all the time.  Why are fresh and healthy foods the most expensive?  I think our grocery bills are more than our mortgage right now.  We are spending so much on food and I have got to figure out a way to cut that down.  One way I am trying is through Emeals. I signed up (with a coupon of course) for their paleo plan.  So they will email me recipes and a grocery list each week.  The ones I've made so far have been great, but I'm not sure it has helped on the budget yet.

If I even have readers anymore and you have any thoughts or advice on any of the above, I will gladly take it:)!!!

Sweet Summertime

We got to spend some time in Atlanta the week of July 4. Jeff preached at the church I grew up in! What an honor and exciting thing that was! Perimeter Church has two services and Jeff did both of them...preaching to over 3000 people! He did such a good job!

We had lots of family at church with us that day! 

Then we got to spend a day on the lake with my family!  The kids and adults all had a blast! 

 

We came home to celebrate the 4th of July at home!  Jeff's parents came down and we had lunch together then headed downtown to a free family event on the river.  It was crowded but the kids enjoyed a few things.  Then we went into the amphitheater for the symphony and firework show!  It was SO good!  Thankful to be an American!  Thankful for these cute kiddos (just not much better than kids in red white and blue). 

Real life pic...then the good pic!

We are enjoying our summer!  Thankful for family and friends who are making it great!