Life seems a bit crazy right now for some reason. The fall always seems to catch me off guard with school starting, big football weekends, Jeff being away a lot at night, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, I find myself feeling unsettled and sometimes frazzled by feeling behind on so much...or even just feeling like I'm not doing anything real well. I feel like this post might not make sense and it's probably going to be all over the place...so bear with me:).
Our Women's Bible Study started back up this week (today) and it was so good. We are studying Luke. So this past week, we read the first chapter and God just really did such a work in my heart. I mean Luke 1 & 2 are such familiar passages and yet I feel like the Holy Spirit just really brought the words to life this week. Reading about how Elizabeth was blessed to get pregnant after so many years of being barren and how Mary was pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit. It just gave me such awe-filled wonder again realizing what a God I serve. The events He orchestrated to bring His only Son into the world to save us were and still are beyond incredible. The way He was so kind to finally grant Elizabeth's greatest desire...to have a baby. It just brought back so many precious memories of remembering the way God granted my deepest earthly desire. The way He used such pain and heartache and frustration to bring Samuel, Ellie Kate, and Abigail into our lives in such amazing ways. Today is the 3 year anniversary of my miscarriage. The day almost slipped by me but then my close sweet friend reminded me that today is her 1 year anniversary of her own miscarriage and then I remembered. My heart hurts for her and it hurts for the babies that we lost. I really will never forget the emotions that surrounded such a broken dream. If I let my thoughts wander, I find myself getting a little angry but mostly just sad that any of my friends have to go through the pain of infertility and miscarriage.
This afternoon was hard because we are realizing that Samuel needs help. He is struggling so much and it just makes me sad. It makes my mama-heart heavy to realize he is not normal. He is not going to just grow out of this. His brain is not working right because of his first 3 years spent in an orphanage. It makes me sad that I can't simply just give him an instruction and expect him to follow it. It makes me sad that nobody seems to understand or be able to help him. And it makes me tired to think of all I need to do to get him the help he needs. And that is where the rubber meets the road for me. I find myself getting frustrated with all of this and it's mostly because in the deepest crevices of my sinful heart, I want an easy and comfortable life. I want to believe that because I know and trust that God is good that it will mean He will make my life easier.
So, after I tucked the children in bed I came down to a quiet house (Jeff is teaching at the weekly meeting) and knew I need to hear from the Lord and be reminded of the truth. I got out my trusty Jesus Calling book and my Bible. I went back to an entry that was from June and just let Sarah Young's words (that are written from the perspective of Jesus) wash over me...
Taste and See that I AM GOOD. This command contains an invitation to experience My living presence. It also contains a promise. The more you experience Me, the more convinced you become of My goodness. This knowledge is essential to your faith-walk. When adversities strike, the human instinct is to doubt My goodness. My ways are mysterious, even to those who know Me intimately. Do not try to fathom My ways. Instead, spend time enjoying Me and experiencing My goodness.
And then I read some of God's holy and true word...
"Taste and see that the LORD IS GOOD; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8
And it brought me back to the awe-filled wonder of this morning and meditating on all that God has done for me through sending His Son, Christ. God IS good because He sent a mediator and a Savior for ME. Life is not going to be easy but I'm thankful that I have the promises of God to meditate on and remind me of the character of God who is also my Heavenly Father...the One who lovingly plans out every course and twist and turn and bump in life into a story that is good and gives Him glory!
So, now I am going to post below some recent pics to catch up a bit:)....
5 comments:
Hew Sweet friend! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! I wish there was something I could say to make it all better, but keep it up, you are doing great, you are a WONDERFUL mamma to those precious children!!!! I'll be praying for Samuel! Let's get together soon!
God can and will do marvelous, wonderful things with your Samuel. HE will give you the tools you need and the strength you need. Then sit back and watch. Samuel is going to do great things. What a blessing he is already!
Hey Rach. I'm so sorry things are so tough with Samuel. I know your heart hurts. Mine hurts just reading about all that you all are going through. I'm praying for Samuel and am excited to see what God is going to do in all of you through this struggle. You are an amazing mom!!
I'm so sorry for all you have to endure but if anyone can handle it it is you. Hang in there.
Sweet friend,
The fall has become such a hard time for me, as well. As much as I'm looking forward to the arrival of our long awaited baby boy, my heart still misses the babies we've lost. Every time I read or hear about another woman's loss, it seems to bring back so many emotions. Truly, once you've experienced miscarriage, it seems you do carry the burden for others.
I didn't realize that you were continuing to have problems with sweet Samuel. The Lord knew the plans he made for you and Jeff as Samuel's parents and for Samuel as he was knit in his birth mother's womb. I hate that the path He has set before you is rocky and bumpy. I'll be praying earnestly for you all, that He will put a light on the path for you and that His desire will be clear as you parent Samuel. Samuel has been blessed beyond measure to be adopted into your family. The Lord will continue to bless you all. If you feel up to it, feel free to let me know specific prayer requests for Samuel and I'll start praying for you specifically as you'd like.
**HUGE hugs from a UGA loving family in GA**
Natalie
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