All The Tears

13 years of ministry with Cru seemingly passed by in a blink.  Hattiesburg. Athens. Tuscaloosa.  All places God took us and worked in amazing ways.

7 years in Tuscaloosa at the University of Alabama were the golden years of our ministry and our family up until now.

It was tough to leave.

On May 15, when I drove out of Ttown, I cried all the tears.  Seriously after I was done, I don't think I could have cried anymore if I wanted to.  It felt like a death in many ways.

Saying goodbye to a ministry we loved was beyond difficult.  We have truly been privileged to be a part of the Lord extending His kingdom through us at Alabama.  It was amazing to read through the scrapbooks and letters (mostly to Jeff) and see the impact Christ had on so many amazing students through their involvement in BamaCru.

We had to say goodbye to a town that had our hearts.  It was where we met and fell in love.  Where we loved to cheer on the Crimson Tide every Saturday in the fall.  It was the only home our children really remembered (besides Samuel who remembered a little of Athens, GA).  It was a small town but mostly had everything we needed within a 15 mile radius.  And honestly, everything I needed on a daily basis was within 5 minutes.  In many ways, it was a charmed life.  The school bus picked up and dropped my kids off at my front door for crying out loud.

I had friends who knew me deeply. One of my very best friends lived in the same neighborhood as me!  Her girls were BFFs with my girls.  Samuel's BFF lived 4 doors down from us.

Again, it was tough to leave all that.

And yet, God's call was clear.  Despite our love for college ministry and our love for our sweet little college town, we knew there was tension in our hearts.  Something was stirring and we knew He would be calling us away.  My heart longed to resist as at it's core, my heart longs to set roots down deep.  My heart longs for comfort and ease.  But that's not always what Jesus wants.  So we began to pray.  This was the summer of 2013.

Jeff has always had a deep respect and love for Perimeter Church in Johns Creek, Georgia.  It is the church I grew up in so of course I love it too:).  That summer Jeff met with some of the pastors there just seeing if there was any potential for a job in the future.  They were gracious to really listen to give us some hope that there could definitely be some options at Perimeter for Jeff in the future.  We sensed it wasn't exactly time yet.  Fast forward to summer 2014 and Jeff was invited to preach on Sunday morning during a summer series that July.  What an honor that was and it was no surprise that he rocked it.  I can't imagine preaching to thousands of people, but God has given Jeff a gift of speaking and teaching the scriptures, and relating to people so well.  It was during our time in Atlanta after that, that Jeff was offered a chance to come and work at Perimeter the following summer! We knew it was time to say yes.

So the last 11 months have been spent relishing our life in Tuscaloosa.  I felt a bit like Mary after she gave birth to Jesus...when scripture says "she pondered all these things in her heart."  In many ways, it was like a slow march unto death.  The death of everything we've known for 13 years in ministry and 7 years in Tuscaloosa.  I pondered everything in my heart.  We began making plans. We sold our house in less than a month.  We began packing.  We ended our final year of ministry.  We had a final weekly meeting at BamaCru.  We had a final Sunday at Church.  We had final days at gymnastics and school.  I had final lunches, coffees, walks, and playdates. I cherished many "lasts" and prayed that the Lord would meet us as everything pointed to one date.  May 15, 2015.

I think that day will forever be etched in my mind.  It was like D-day for me.  Jeff had already left to go down to Florida to staff our last summer project with Cru.   We had already moved all our stuff out of our home and into storage.  A sweet family had let us stay in their game day apartment off campus which was just what we needed.  So I was left alone to pack up and say all the goodbyes.  And cry all the tears alone.  It started before I even left to go see my friends and tell them goodbye.  It started almost as soon as I woke up.  I wanted to keep it all in as I had done so well up until now.  But you can't hold grief in forever.  So as we drove from 15th street up to Rice Mine Rd, I managed to hold some back.  But as soon as I pulled up to my sweet friends, it was hard to act normal.  I only had about 30 minutes.  Not nearly enough time to wrap up life with these soul sisters.  But wrap up we did.  I tried to hold it together (not very well though) as I had to go pick up my girls from school.  I was checking them out early so we could get down to Florida before dark.  They were having to miss the last week of school so we could be on the last week of summer project with Jeff.  But we couldn't be excited about that just yet.

After getting the girls and after more crying in the school, we finally took off.  We passed by the water tower with Tuscaloosa marked black on bright blue.  That's when I truly lost it.  It was really here.  We were really leaving.  Again, all the tears flowed well past Birmingham (for folks who don't know it's an hour from Tuscaloosa to Bham).  My kids were a little worried about me and a few of them joined in my grief.  It was a sweet time just sharing with them that this was hard...but that we were trusting Jesus.  And a reminder that following Jesus isn't always easy or comfortable.  But He's good and He meets us in the hard days.  He met us in the following days at the beach where we just got to enjoy His creation and be together with college students and staff we love!  It was the perfect ending to our staff career.

And so, here we are.  It's been about 6 weeks I think.  We've settled into our new home (that we LOVE) and Jeff is settling into his new ministry at Perimeter.  So much is still unknown.  Will the Lord continue to use us?  Will life be really difficult here?  Will I ever have close friends? It will definitely be different.  There's a lot more traffic here:).  And a lot more people:).  And it takes a lot longer than 5 minutes to get anywhere. And there most definitely won't be a bus coming to my front door.  But God is here (and my family too which is awesome).  He is faithful and He is good.  It doesn't mean things will be easy or comfortable, but we already see His hand so clearly answering prayers and guiding us.  And for that, I cry all the tears again.  I may still be grieving.  But I think it's also hope...and a grateful heart to the great One who loves my soul and shepherds me and my children through every move, and every adjustment, and every change.

"Don’t grieve that it’s gone, wonder that it was.

Laugh that you lived and dance that you dared.

Inhale that it happened — and it was grace."

Ann Voskamp

Love Wins

I don't pretend to be perfect.  I'm flawed and self righteous and broken...just like the rest of us.  This is why I bank my life on Christ.  He is perfect in my place.  His love conquers all.  He is the rescuer of all sad things.  He is a redeemer.  A healer.  A mediator.  He is the One who sits at the right hand of His Father, yet was here among us and lived as a human.  He lived in a time of deep unrest and a culture that was maybe not so different than what we face today.  He didn't distance himself from any of the controversy, but lived His life on mission with one ultimate goal...to point people to Himself and their need for forgiveness.

I've felt some pretty deep tension the past few weeks as I've watched news story after news story break.  Josh Duggar sexual abuse.  Police brutality.  Racism.  Charleston shootings.  Confederate Flag controversy.  Shaming the southern states. Same Sex Marriage ruling.  Every one of these stories tugs at different places in my heart. I've had to face some of my own fears and insecurities and privilege.  My heart is torn between wanting to defend and protect, and weep and confess.  On top of that, there are personal stories of friends hurting.  Turmoil is all around us.  Today seemed to be the icing on the cake of chaos on Facebook and Twitter.  The supreme court came down with it's verdict on same sex marriage and made it legal throughout the land, no matter what individual states have voted on. No matter that since the creation of this world, we have had one definition of marriage.  However, I loved seeing my FB feed today.  I have a diverse realm of friends and a lot of them celebrated today.  And then I had a lot of friends mad and angry and sad.  I admit, when I first read the ruling, I got emotional.  As a mom,  I wondered what world am I bringing my kids up in?  Mass shootings.  Sexual abuse.  Racism abounds.  Bible believing followers of Christ labeled bigots. Marriage redefined.  I could see myself getting wound up in the tailspin of emotion.  I quickly turned to the Word.  It is the only truth that stands to fill my mind with praiseworthy and wonderful things.  I didn't want to dwell on things that make my heart anxious.  So I typed in "throne" on my Bible app and read all the verses that reminded me of God's sovereignty.  Of the truth that He alone is ruler and He sits on His throne no matter what.  It comforted my soul and calmed my anxious heart.  So I shared it on Facebook.

But LORD, you remain the same forever!

Your throne continues from generation to generation. 

Lamentations 5:19

Not too much later, as I scrolled through FB again, I noticed the status update of a student who was on a summer project with us a few years ago.  He condemned his conservative Christian friends for "passively aggressively" posting Bible verses in response to today's ruling.  It stopped me in my tracks. I immediately felt defensive.  But then I quieted my heart again and asked myself was I being passive aggressive in posting that?  I've been pondering on it for the past few hours.  I don't want to be passive aggressive and I honestly don't think that was my intention.  I posted something that was good truth to me. Something that quieted my heart in a moment of turmoil after hearing news that I disagreed with and felt will surely change the landscape of our country.  But if it seems passive aggressive to some to just post a verse rather than my stance, then I will say it here.  Because of my faith in Christ and my belief that the Word of God is true, I definitely don't agree with same sex marriage.  I'm not ashamed of that or my belief in Jesus.  It also doesn't mean I don't love or don't want to be friends with people who think differently than me!  In fact, I love having friends who think and believe differently than me.  It challenges me! My strong belief also doesn't mean I can't love people who are homosexual.  I don't speak about political things much because I just don't think it's worth it.  I don't think my status on social media about what I believe is going to change anyone's mind.  But maybe posting a verse will be a reminder for others to trust in the Lord! That was my intention.  But I confess that I sometimes could be passive aggressive without even realizing it.  I am flawed.   I do mess up!  I also confess I don't know how to love others perfectly.  I confess I can sometimes be self-righteous.  I confess that I don't always know how to engage with people I don't agree with or are different than me.  I confess I don't really have any homosexual friends or African American friends.  But I am learning.  I am excited about the diverse neighborhood the Lord has placed us in outside of Atlanta. I am broken over the ways I may have not loved well.  Ways I do not reach out to the marginalized and oppressed.  Ways I tend to stick to being around people like me.  Ways I have misrepresented the Jesus I love.  I have given my life to serve Him and share Him with others. But I fail at that miserably every day! 

I do pray for my own heart in all of this.  I pray for this country I love.  For my children.  For my friends and neighbors.  I pray that love truly does win.  That we would ALL love one another.  Even when we don't agree or understand the other's position.  I agree with the hashtag that has been so popular today. #lovewins.  I just may agree with it in a different light:).  LOVE does win because the greatest expression of love the world has ever seen was when Jesus walked this earth and then gave His life up on a cross to bridge the gap between ourselves and a Holy God.  Love wins because He defeated the grave. None of these crazy news stories changes that.  None of the chaos of this world changes my mission as a follower of Him.  My biggest prayer is that my life is an expression of His life and LOVE...the way He was on mission in the midst of the mess and calling people to His truth.  He gave His life up sacrificially in love.  It wasn't comfortable or easy. May I be ever so privileged to do the same. 

"Live a life filled with love, 

following the example of Christ.  

He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, 

a pleasing aroma to God."  Ephesians 5:2

Broken Silence

I never set out to totally neglect my blog nearly a year.

But it happened.

It's been a LONG time since my last post.  A lot of life has happened round here in our family.

I'm hoping to resurrect this space because, well, I just realized I don't necessarily want to give it up just yet.  We'll see how it goes.

I'll catch you up quickly ( and maybe do some longer posts about each subject soon)...

The kids finished up kindergarten, 3rd, and 5th grade.  I finished the year homeschooling Samuel and it was hard...to put it mildly.  Much respect to my homeschooling friends in it for the long haul with all their children.  I am thankful to have tried it and to now know that in this season Samuel needs to be in school no matter how hard it is!  He just responds better to other people.

We moved.  To Atlanta.  Finished up our ministry with Cru after 13 years.  It was so bittersweet for us to leave a town and place we loved so much.  If you follow me on Instagram and Facebook, you know!  The day we pulled out was very difficult.

Jeff is now a pastor at the church I grew up in outside of Atlanta, GA.  He's one of many and I know he will do a great job!  We trust God for our future!

We sold our 4th home and bought our 5th.  More on that in later blog posts possibly.  I love doing house tours:).

Now that I am no longer employed by Cru, I get to explore some outside business ventures!  One that I've always wanted to do is photography and graphic design and I'm still hoping and praying to delve into that at some point.  For now, I've decided to go into business with an amazing skin care company called Rodan + Fields.  I don't see myself as a salesperson, but I love to share with others things that I love or things that have really helped me in some way.  I'll share more about this in another post...but I'm really excited to offer to others some amazing products.  Using these products has helped me so much and I am finally comfortable in my own skin:).

Above all, we just continue to see God's faithfulness in our lives.  We don't deserve all that He does. The way He directs our paths.  The way He always provides.  The way He meets us in the hard days of moving, saying goodbye, parenting, adjusting to new things, etc. etc.