Samuel - you were the first to call me mama. The day I first saw your picture hanging in a dingy orphanage hall in Ukraine, I knew you would be the one. I had dreamed about you. Prayed for you. We knew way back then, the road might not be easy. And yet God made it clear, you were ours. I am so proud to be your mom. I fail a lot with you because of my sin. You teach me so much. The last 7 1/2 years with you have brought so many ups and downs and through it all, you my son, have been a tool of the Lord in my heart and in my life. He has done great and marvelous things that I would not have ever known apart from you. I know my Father more deeply because of you. I sense His power and His might and His love more than I did before I became your mom. You are a fighter. You are resilient. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the literal and figurative scars from your first four years of life have made you stronger. Have given God so much glory. Those scars will continue to give God so much glory. I pray that the wounds and the hard things in your life will ultimately bind your heart to our King. That they will always remind you of the miracle you are. That you will always know how extremely precious in His sight and in our sight you are. I pray you know how deeply loved you are. I love your sensitive spirit and your desire for your friends to know Jesus. Daddy and I call you our little evangelist. I love how you love your sisters. I love your inquisitive mind and the way you always want to know how things work. And how you can figure things out that I wouldn't have a clue how to do! I love how in tune you are with nature and the way you love animals. I know you will do great things. You are so smart and I wouldn't want any other son than you!
Ellie Kate - you were the first to grow within me. From the beginning, you gave me a hard time with nausea, throwing up, high blood pressure, gall stones, and reflux. However, your spirited personality has brought so much life and joy to our family. I am so proud that I get to be your mommy. You are so smart and so creative and such a reflection of God's great love to me. I love how affectionate you are and that you write me love notes nearly every day. You affirm to me that even though I often fail you, that love overcomes that. I pray that you use all your energy and love and creativity to bring glory to God. I pray that you will always know how deeply loved you are by our King and by us. I pray you know that it's more important to be beautiful on the inside than it is to be on the outside.
Baby in Heaven - you taught me how to choose to be thankful even when it feels really hard. To choose to trust God in the midst of pain like no other. You gave me my very first two lines without even trying! Even all these years later, your short small life is still significant to me. You have given me a greater ministry...and greater empathy for others. A glimpse into loss and pain and suffering that I wouldn't have known otherwise. You allowed me to learn to treasure what I had in a deeper way.
Abigail - A miracle of joy that I don't deserve. Your sweet life has been such a reminder of God's lavish love. Of His grace and mercy and abundance. I am so proud to call you mine. Every day I look at you and just fall more in love with you. You have such a sweet countenance. You are compliant, giving, and so much fun. Even though you are mostly quiet and shy, I see the real silly Abigail come out a lot and I love that. I love that you feel complete freedom to be yourself at home. You love to snuggle and give hugs and you have taught me how to slow down and be still and enjoy the quiet moments. I am so thankful God gave us you. I pray that you will come to know the Lord in a real way and understand how amazing His grace is for you!
Anna Mitchell - my perfect little surprise. Oh, how blessed I am to be your mom. You are absolutely the happiest, sweetest, most perfect little thing. You have your bad moments...but overall your little life has just been the biggest source of joy for all of us! You are definitely the baby of the family with lots of attention and love given to you. You have taught me so much these last 15 months. I think before you came into my life, I thought I had things under control and was doing a pretty darn good job handling life with three children, a busy blog, crafting things, ministry, etc. etc. I had a lot of pride. I had a lot of self reliance. You have taught me that I am a big hot mess. That apart from Christ, I can.do.nothing. You have taught me to re-evaluate my priorities and really seek the Lord for how and where to invest my life. You have reminded me that you and your siblings are to be my main ministry and my deepest desire is to not miss these years...these moments I won't ever get back. I fail a lot at that, but little by little I am learning to give up control and not take for granted that the Lord has entrusted to me all that I longed for.
This week, my heart overflows. I am so in love with my children. I am falling more in love with the One who gave them to me. There are many many days I get frustrated and overwhelmed and sort of want to run out the door and not return for awhile. There are days I feel like a big fat failure. There are days I am restless and feel like I want to do more than clean, feed, wipe, wash, teach, train, discipline, and repeat 1000 times a day. There are days I want to do over and there are days I treasure and relish and realize the high calling I have been given....five miracles in 7 years. After years of nothing. Sometimes, it's more than I can take. 4 little lives who call me mama. One life who was never meant to live longer than a few weeks...but who in those few weeks left a mark on my heart forever. Thank you, dear Jesus, for giving them to me. For making my wildest dreams come true. For letting me be their mama.
