It is a day I would love to forget, but the day will be forever etched in my mind as one of the worst in my life. A year ago today, we found out we had lost our 3
rd little miracle at nearly 10 weeks pregnant. I had been spotting for a few days and my doctor finally said to come in for an ultrasound at
4 pm on Friday, September 14. I waited all day on pins and needles. I will never forget the emotions I felt throughout the day hoping against hope and yet having a sense of the impending doom. It was awful…the anticipation. I had no words to pray except…”Please, God, Please…let everything be okay.” Jeff came home and we took the kids with us to the doctor. My sweet doctor then (who was a dear friend) told me to come on back by myself. He turned the ultrasound machine on as I laid down on the table. As soon as the probe found my uterus, I knew. There was no flutter of a heartbeat like we had seen just a few weeks before. He looked around for a few minutes, then looked at me and couldn’t even speak. Josh shook his head and I burst into tears. I will never in my life forget the look on his face, or the stillness of my dead baby on the screen. He went and got Jeff and the nurses watched Samuel and Ellie Kate for us while we grieved and then talked about what to do next. I had the D&C the very next morning because my amazing doctor came in on Saturday so I didn’t have to wait any longer. He prayed with us and then took me back for the procedure. It was a very empty day.
Now, a year later, I do still grieve for that baby…even as my belly is now swollen with another miracle. While this baby does not replace that one, I am certainly thankful and amazed that the Lord has given me another opportunity I feel I do not deserve.
I made this memory box shortly after the miscarriage to hold my ultrasound pictures, positive pregnancy tests (yes, I save them…after so many years of negative ones, they are sentimental), and all the sweet notes and emails we received. I read through everything today and am encouraged anew at the community of believers who surrounded us. We could not have made it through that time without the prayers of so many. The months following the miscarriage were not easy as I grieved and my hormones took awhile to normalize. Again, I am so thankful for faithful friends and family who prayed for me and loved on me. I would love to say that I am so much stronger in my faith and have learned to trust the Lord better through all this. However, the last year has been murky waters, at best. The journey of grief is unpredictable and my wandering heart sometimes still has a hard time yielding my wants and desires at the foot of the cross. I still want an easy life…one without pain. I do believe part of that is my redeemed heart longing for the perfectness of heaven. I am so thankful for my Savior, and that one day I will see my baby again. I am thankful for a God who does not give up on His children and who sends new mercy and grace for each day. I am desperate for that today and everyday!
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26