Delay in Blogging

So I'm a blogging slacker again. It's been somewhat of a crazy time. Here are some things that have been going on in my life lately...

• watching my daughter finally start walking at 13 months (video to follow soon)
  
• doctors appointments
• constant nausea all day
• sheer exhaustion
• blood draws
• girls nights while Jeff was out of town
• did I mention lots of nausea?
• taking naps when Ellie Kate does
• seeing our new baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks!

That's right...I am pregnant! The Lord has created a new life again and I am humbled to be given another chance. I honestly didn't believe it would happen, and for the Lord to provide this weeks before our last baby's due date is so sweet to me. Like my friend Elizabeth said the other night...."Girl, God has opened your womb!" It's so true. For over 3 years Jeff and I tried to get pregnant and finally did In Vitro Fertilization to conceive Ellie Kate. We had male and female issues that were quite serious. Being pregnant with Ellie Kate must have surely opened my womb and the Lord has taken care of the male factor side of things somehow. I never thought I would be able to get pregnant without very expensive and invasive treatments and I am so thankful that I have been able to twice now in 7 months! However, to say I am nervous and completely terrified some moments would be an understatement. I still miss my 3rd baby everyday and think about it constantly, especially as the due date approaches in 2 weeks. I am so scared I will have to go through the same thing again. Today, I am 6 weeks and 5 days. We saw the heartbeat last week and it was beautiful. God is such a miracle worker. I am sharing my news early because Jeff, Samuel, Ellie Kate and I covet your prayers. We are depending on the Holy Spirit as we trust in His perfect timing and plan for this baby. I have another ultrasound in about 2 weeks where hopefully we will see that our baby has grown and is healthy. This ultrasound will be at about the same time we lost the last baby. I think I will feel a lot better if we do see this baby is doing well at that point. I have been feeling pretty crappy already like I did with Ellie Kate so I am taking that as a good sign! I never felt bad with the last pregnancy.

Thank you for prayers as my angel's due date approaches and as we entrust this new life to the Lord and treasure each moment we have with it.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1

Fun In The Cabinet!

Samuel and Ellie Kate took out all my pots and pans and then had a blast crawling in and out of the empty cabinet! It was so cute to see how excited Ellie Kate was about it. And in case you were wondering, Samuel has on his cowboy shirt that he changes into many days after school so he can play cowboy and rodeo...which really translates into him galloping around like a wild man with his rope and yelling "yee-haw!" Gotta love boys!

Easter Pics and Prayer

This morning Samuel stayed in big church with us...per his request. He sat very still and really did well! At the end of the service when we took communion he didn't quite understand why he couldn't take it. Jeff and I tried to explain communion and what needed to happen for him to be able to participate. So, tonight when he was praying with Jeff before bed he prayed the cutest/sweetest prayer that I thought I would share...

"Dear God, I want to have the juice and bread one day. And I know that the juice is for...(Daddy, is the juice for his blood? Jeff: Yes...) I know that the juice is for your blood and I know that the bread is for...(Daddy, what's the bread for? Jeff explains...) I know that the bread is for your body that you broke for us...so that we can be forgiven. And thank you God for nailing yourself up...and when I get to heaven one day will you please, please, please show me where you got nailed up? Amen."

Happy Easter!

This morning was our annual Easter Egg Hunt with our church. It's always a fun time and this year Ellie Kate got to participate!



I hope and pray that you have a wonderful Easter celebrating our resurrected Savior! As we have been talking with Samuel about the true meaning of Easter, it has been such a good reminder of what an amazing sacrifice Christ made for us. It also just reminds me what a loving heavenly Father I have that He would send His Son to die for me and save me from all my sin. One of my favorite songs is How Deep The Father's Love For Us and I thought it was an appropriate song to mediate on as we celebrate this Holy weekend!

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Welcome!

Welcome to our new blog! I have been working hard transferring pictures and meaningful posts into this new format. I'm excited about blogger and how easy it is to use! Please look around and check out all the sidebar stuff. I will upload pictures to our Shutterfly Albums now and there are links to our Adoption and the Infertility and Loss posts over to the right as well. I have also copied and posted many of my latest posts about the miscarriage and life into this blog.

Please leave a comment to let me know you have found your way over! I love hearing from my readers!

Here are some pictures of Samuel dying eggs the other day while Ellie Kate was sleeping.

One Year Potraits

I took Ellie Kate to get some pictures done today. I think they turned out pretty good. I'm usually not too keen on studio pictures because I really prefer ones that are done in natural light outside (by my sister in law:)), but I was pretty pleased with the Picture People. These are the ones I ordered and then I scanned them in so they aren't the best quality but you get the idea!

Sea Island Fun

We just returned from Sea Island, Georgia where we had a great time with several of our friends! Thanks to Jack and Heather who invited us to their parents home. It was so much fun to get away and enjoy the beatiful beaches and southern moss covered trees that cover the Island. Samuel fished and played in the sand. Ellie Kate also enjoyed the sand and going on walks. Jeff and I really enjoyed the fellowship with the other couples that were there although going on vacation with children is not really all that relaxing. This was our first time on a real vacation (that wasn't associated with our job) since we adopted Samuel (and before that it had been awhile too) so we were really excited for the opportunity. Samuel found a new buddy in Jack and didn't want to leave him alone. Needless to say, Jack was probably ready for us to leave:)! I have lots of fun pictures to add, but Jeff has our camera as he is now at "The Black House" as Samuel calls it (he got his colors a little confused). Actually Jeff is in Washington D.C. with some of our staff and students doing some ministry in the city. When he gets home, I'll be sure to add the pics.

St. Jude Trike-A-Thon

Samuel and his classmates at school got to participate in a Trike-A-Thon to raise money for St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. Samuel called his grandparents to get donations:) Thanks Nana and Woody and Big Papa and Dede! He was so excited about it and loved actually riding his bike around the circle in his school parking lot. I think with his donations he should get a "free" t-shirt. Exciting times in the life of a pre-schooler!

Hilarious!

Here is a new video for your viewing pleasure! It really is quite hilarious. You will see Ellie Kate walk on her knees as well as take a few steps on her own (which she is starting to do a lot of now). At the end you will get a glimpse into our silly boy! Samuel is so funny and is becoming increasingly more animated. He really does keep us laughing and is such a delight.

Outside Time

Samuel and Ellie Kate got some new outdoor toys by special delivery and installation from my parents! They have been enjoying them so much. Samuel played outside in his sandbox for 3 hours on Monday! Ellie Kate loves the swing. It really relaxes her. She just lays back and hums to herself as she swings.

The Wall

There is a wall looming on the horizon. April 14. It is the day that I dread over no other. By this day, I would have had a 3rd child. It was my due date...the day that every woman memorizes as soon as the doctor utters them. It inches ever closer, and on that day I will not be holding a precious newborn. I most likely will not be pregnant again either. I will still be mourning and wishing and questioning and making myself crazy with thinking about it. I will still be wresting with God as He does surgery on my heart. I know I am not being very receptive to His treatment. I am resisting Him. I am coming into another season of intense emotional pain. By the Lord's grace, I have done good for the past few months. But now as I would have been 34 weeks pregnant and close to delivery...I am stricken with grief again. I want to weep all the time. I want to wallow in my pain. But I can't and I hope I won't. I know that the Lord desires that I come to Him and trust Him and bring my pain to the foot of the Cross. He understands even more than I do the grief and pain and emptiness that comes with losing a child. I have nowhere else to turn. He alone can give me Hope and purpose. In Him alone will I find true joy and fulfillment as I come upon this day. I hope by writing it that I will live it. I cling to the promise that He will turn my mourning into dancing...it may not be anytime soon...but one day I will be full of life and joy again. I will be a different person no doubt. One cannot go through loss and not come out changed. I will forever miss the baby that never was. I will always wonder what it would have been like to have 2 kids 13 months apart. I will always wonder if the baby was a boy or a girl. I will always mark the day we lost our angel and the day he or she was to have been born. I will always wonder why God allowed us to get pregnant in the first place. I will always be thankful for my husband who has been my rock. He has held me together. He has grounded me to the truth of the gospel even when I didn't want to hear it. He has loved me through all the ugliness of sin and grief and awful housekeeping. I will also always be thankful for my faith in a Sovereign God, as weak as it may be. I am thankful that the He is faithful to His promises and He will never let me go. I am thankful that He works all things for my good and His glory. I know that my Redeemer lives and he will redeem my pain in eternity. I long for that day!

"Weeping my remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning...Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help." Psalm 30:5,10