"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
from Psalm 13
Dan Allender, an author and psychologist, wrote in Cry of the Soul, “Part of the mystery of God is His disruptive intrusion to provide us with what we desperately desire, not what we THINK we require...He draws us to darkness and in the midst of what appears awful, He shows us something of His awe-filled bright goodness.” The Lord alone determines our steps, and His plan sometimes is one that we do not understand. For Jeff and I it has been a path of infertility and pregnancy loss. It has been a hard emotional roller coaster where I have often cried out like the psalmist David, “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” I have never felt sorrow or anquish like I felt month after month trying to get pregnant and now after a miscarriage. However, God has shown me more of His goodness and some of His mysteriousness. He has truly worked wonders in my heart through my infertility and my loss. He has led me to a place of joy and a time where I can sing to him with praise even in the midst of incredible pain. I have learned that sometimes God allows us to suffer, but it is in our suffering that He reveals His goodness. I have learned that it’s okay to cry out to God with real emotion, and to even question what in the world He is doing in my life. We all want easy and pain free lives, but if we had that, we would never need God. Suffering is a mystery and we see that in the Cross. It is the perfect picture of suffering and glory. God is so good and He has dealt bountifully with me through His Son. Through my pain, the Gospel has come alive to me and I realize that even when times are hard, that I can sing and rejoice because I know I have a greater hope of eternity. In His faithfulness, the Lord has blessed us with 2 wonderful children. Samuel came to us through the miracle of adoption and Ellie Kate came to us through the miracle of In Vitro Fertilization. They are more precious to me than gold, but it doesn't erase the pain or the loss I still feel. I still identify myself as someone who is infertile. Having a family has not come easy to us, and it may not ever come easily. Sometimes I still have a hard time hearing of how easily it is for people to get pregnant. I have a hard time hearing comments from people who don't understand infertility or pregnancy loss. The internet is such a great resource and I joined a message board where I have formed a wonderful group of online friends who now know me and who truly understand infertility and loss. Some people find help in local support groups or through their Church. It is so important to have a community of people to be open with and share your struggles with.
If you are struggling with infertility or loss, I can guarantee you are NOT alone. Here are the facts:
-More than 5 million people of child bearing age in the U.S. experience infertility. In about 35% of the cases it is related to a female problem, and another 35% is related to a male factor. In 20% it is a combined male and female problem and in about 10% of the cases it is unexplained.
-1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage...that's a 15-20% in each pregnancy. Miscarriage is usually the result of chromosomal abnormalities not as a result of something the mom did such as lifting something too heavy or drinking a cup of coffee.
Here is a universal list that infertile couples agree on as a list of dos and don'ts that will help you support them during their difficult time (taken from RESOLVE)...
Don't try to minimize the problem by saying, "Just try to relax and don't worry." Stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes the stress and many couples who cannot get pregnant have very valid reasons that they cannot conceive.
Do listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.
Don't tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.
Do realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel.
Don't give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.
Do tell the couple that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you are thinking about and praying for them.
Don't offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption...sometimes this is helpful, but more than likely they have heard something like it many times.
Do tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. You can even give them websites like this if they want to check it out.
Don't tell a couple who is in the process of adopting, "I bet you will get pregnant now!" Do tell them how excited you are for them that they are going to be parents through adoption!
Resources:
www.babycenter.com - a great website with lots of online bulletin boards related to anything and everything
www.resolve.org - RESOLVE is the National Infertility Association and has lots of great resources and info on local chapters with support groups
http://www.bethany.org/step/ - A ministry of Bethany Christian Services providing Christian support for couples facing infertility and/or pregnancy loss
-Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab
-The Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman
-When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D
-Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt.
