Rainy Days

I'll be honest, today has been a hard day. I think I'm doing good and then the pain comes anew and I am stricken with emotion as I think about what I have lost and what could have been. Maybe it is because this morning I had some time and I knew I should open my Bible to come into the Lord's presence. I opened my journal and the last 2 entries were praising the Lord for our miracle...getting pregnant naturally when we weren't even trying. The tears came...the negative thoughts hit..."why would the Lord choose to give us such incredible joy and then 5 short weeks later take it all away?" I don't pretend to understand it. I don't pretend to like it. But as I read the verses I had praised the Lord with, I knew that I still needed to praise Him. The pain I feel, the storms I must go through in this life DO NOT CHANGE who God is. He is HOLY and He is GOOD. That is the only hope I have. I don't have any choice but to praise Him and trust Him because without Him there is no purpose in my pain. Larry Crabb says in his book Shattered Dreams, "It's harder to discover our desire for God when things go well. We may think we have, but often all we've found is our desire to use God, not to ENJOY Him. Shattered dreams are the truest blessings; they help us discover our true hope. But it can take a long, dark time to discover it." I hope that as I continue to work through my pain and walk through this darkness that I truly draw near to Christ and depend on Him. Music has always ministered to me and in the last few weeks I have hard a song so many times on the radio and it is so beautiful. I actually heard it before the miscarriage and had a hard time singing it, because I was happy and I didn't want anymore rainy days to come. The storm did come and I realize that God is using these days to bring me closer to Him and teaching me that I can still praise Him.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me "Jesus, Bring the Rain"

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness" Psalm 25:10

Life Must Go On

Thanks to everyone for all the sweet comments and emails. We are overwhelmed at the support and encouragement we have received from the body of Christ during our loss. Physically, I am doing really well and feel pretty normal. I am thankful for that. Emotionally, I know it will take awhile. I find myself just wanting to go back...back to when everything was fine and I had 2 children and was happy with that. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and I know that with time it will get better. Right now, there is still pain and questioning and wishing that I had never gotten the surprise miracle pregnancy in the first place. Which brings me back to why my only hope is to trust in the One who knows and who loves me intimately...enough to send His only child to suffer on my behalf. I want to share with you what my sweet friend (who has also experienced pregnancy loss) relayed to me about what I missed at my women's bible study at church today (we are studying Genesis)..."We were talking about how God is very purposeful in who He is and how He created the world and all things. And It made me think... that God must have been thinking this way about your child (and mine) when He beautifully made them, gave them their little lives, and purposed them for heaven. And though I do not understand, nor like, nor believe, nor agree with His providence at times - this encouraged me that He is indeed working all things towards a purposeful end, and that today alone, we are called to hope in Him for a purposeful end ." And so, as I grieve and continue to wrestle with the Lord, I was reminded anew to put my hope in Him because He is God and He is working all things towards a purposeful end as we see in Genesis, which is just the beginning of His wonderful story of Redemption.

We have enjoyed the fall weather and spent some time outside which has been good for my heart. I love fall!!! Samuel loves to catch grasshoppers and Ellie Kate is the happiest baby who is changing and growing every day.

Miscarriage Post From Old Website

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

O Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe, That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way, I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray, That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain, And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head, I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead, And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

This week we learned that I suffered a miscarriage (I was about 9 weeks along). We had gotten a VERY BIG surprise about a month ago when I got a positive home pregnancy test. Although it was very unplanned (happened naturally), we were so excited about another miracle in our lives! We found out the baby stopped growing about a week ago and I had a D & C today (a procedure to clean out the uterus.

We are trusting that the Lord is good and resting in his promises. I am so thankful for my sweet doctor who believes the gospel. He cried with me, prayed for us, and reminded me of God's grace. We decided to do the D&C so we can get it over with and move on emotionally and physically. Please pray for us as we mourn and fight to believe what we know is Truth. You can also pray that I would heal and recover physically. The hymn above has become one of my favorites over the years and I keep meditating on it as I grieve. I know that the Lord loves me and that nothing in my life happens without a purpose. If I learned anything from the suffering in my years of infertility, that was it. This is just another painful step in that journey. Yes, the pain and grief are there, but there is also Hope. I will miss this baby for the rest of my life, but now my heart beats stronger for the beauty and perfectness of Heaven. I could not do this without Jesus.